Become A Member | Forum | Profiles | Personals | Classifieds | See Who's Online ...
 
View Topic
  Message Boards : Humour : View Topic : 109 Posts, Page 2 of 8
  HomeNewNoticesHot TopicsPollsStatsBlogs Login / Register
 
Anyone Got Any Good Jokes
 
# 16 : Sunday 9-12-2012 @ 21:41
 
 
Ireland has finally allowed abortion clinics, there is a nine month waiting list.
Reply
 
 Recent Message Board Topics
Helping Me With The
Where Is A Good Place To Find Like Minded Curious Guys?
The Moral Cesspit That Is Hollywood
Black Friday
Australian Marriage Law Postal Survey
Hot Female Thread 2
Non Random Thoughts..
Outed Anti-gay Campaigners Thread (Roll Call).
 
Hey! If you enjoy shooting the breeze with like-minded people, check out
our Message Boards
• Advice • Coming Out
• Computers • Current Affairs
• Discussion • Food & Drink
• Going Out • Humour
• Health • Music
• Newbies • Sexual Issues
# 17 : Monday 10-12-2012 @ 00:12
 
 
Me!
Reply
 
# 18 : Monday 10-12-2012 @ 00:16
 
 
how many bohs fans dose it take to change a lightbulb both of them
Reply
 
# 19 : Saturday 2-3-2013 @ 21:31
 
 
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied,

"No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Reply
 
# 20 : Saturday 2-3-2013 @ 21:36
 
 
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
Reply
 
# 21 : Sunday 3-3-2013 @ 12:42
 
 
Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Reply
 
# 22 : Sunday 3-3-2013 @ 13:10
 
 
Please don't post jokes about "retarded Chinese children" or other jokes likely to cause offence.
ReplyWebsite
 
# 23 : Wednesday 10-4-2013 @ 14:47
 
 
not sure if something like this actually happened or not but would be worth trying out one of two of these in a supermarket!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
********* (insert supermarket in here)

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
(said supermarket)...
Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the
fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.'
One of the Staff passed out.
Reply
 
# 24 : Sunday 5-5-2013 @ 20:46
 
 
How do you tell the difference between a regular oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Taste
Reply
 
# 25 : Sunday 5-5-2013 @ 20:58
 
 
Someone said :
not sure if something like this actually happened or not but would be worth trying out one of two of these in a supermarket!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
********* (insert supermarket in here)

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
(said supermarket)...
Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the
fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.'
One of the Staff passed out.

Fucking brilliant!I am laughing so much here.
Reply
 
# 26 : Sunday 5-5-2013 @ 21:06
 
 
A young priest becomes curate in a rural parish, and on his first day in the job he is sent to hear confessions.

The first penitent comes in and begins to confess his sins. 'Bless me Father for I have sinned...I was mean to my sister and I didn't do what my mother told me. And also, I rode Fanny Green.'

'You what?' said the priest, shocked.

'I rode Fanny Green.'

'How old are you?' asked the priest.

'Sixteen, Father.'

Father gave the youngfella a talking to and sent him off with his penance, and the next person came into the confession box.

'Bless me Father... My wife died about a year ago and I've been very lonely ever since. I did something very bad recently...I rode Fanny Green.'

The priest hardly believed his ears. 'I'm sorry...how old are you?'

'Sixty-five, Father.'

One by one the priest heard scores of confessions, and by the end of the day as far as could see, the whole town had been riding Fanny Green. On his walk home he eyed every woman he passed suspiciously, wondering if he might catch a glimpse of the infamous woman herself.

The next morning he was assisting at Mass, and halfway through the service the doors at the back of the church burst open and in strode a woman dressed like an absolute tramp—fishnet tights, and a skirt so short that it left very little to the imagination. She brazenly sat in the front pew with her legs wide apart, and the young priest couldn't help but see that she wasn't wearing anything under the skirt.

He turned to the parish priest and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The parish priest glanced at the woman and whispered back, 'No, I think it's just the reflection of the stained glass.'
Reply
 
# 27 : Sunday 5-5-2013 @ 23:21
 
 
An Irish man walks out of a bar ...that's the joke.
Reply
 
# 28 : Friday 30-8-2013 @ 21:03
 
 
A Higgs boson walks into a bar and asks everyone to take part in an act of penitence. “What are you doing?” asks the barman. “Giving mass.”

What did the proton say to the ever-grumpy electron? “Why do you have to be so negative all the time?”

Two atoms are walking down the street. One says to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”

Why are quantum physicists crap in bed? Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.

A Higgs boson walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’s the matter?” The Higgs replies: “Exactly.”
Reply
 
# 29 : Monday 16-9-2013 @ 13:48
 
 
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". " Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Reply
 
# 30 : Monday 16-9-2013 @ 13:49
 
 
4. Rupert was telling his friend, Rodney, about his experience when taking his first parachute jump. "When I got to the door I couldn't jump," he tells him, "but the big instructor guy unzipped his flys, pulled out an enormous cock and said: 'If you don't jump you'll get this right up your arse'." "Did you jump?" asked Rodney. "A bit," Rupert replied, "when it first went in."
Reply
 
Prev 12345678Next