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A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum...
 
# 61 : Wednesday 8-10-2014 @ 22:59
 
 
Someone said :
Today my niece asked me could I print off her school project and I said that was no problem. Then she turns up at 8pm with 10 hand written pages and says she needs it by tomorrow morning.

She has some neck on her.

What age is she?

Did you sit her down at the keyboard or did you type it for her?
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# 62 : Wednesday 8-10-2014 @ 23:06
 
 
She's 14. I typed it as she didn't stay long.
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# 63 : Wednesday 8-10-2014 @ 23:41
 
 
Someone said :
Today my niece asked me could I print off her school project and I said that was no problem. Then she turns up at 8pm with 10 hand written pages and says she needs it by tomorrow morning.

She has some neck on her.

that's what uncles are for! A parent would never fall for that shit!!
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# 64 : Saturday 29-11-2014 @ 00:21
 
 
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
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# 65 : Saturday 29-11-2014 @ 00:49
 
 
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# 66 : Tuesday 20-1-2015 @ 09:44
 
 
My brother was at the neurologist this morning and he was so sleepy that he clambered up onto the examination bed and went to sleep with his hand down his pants. Mortifying.
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# 67 : Tuesday 20-1-2015 @ 11:02
 
 
Someone in my class gave me one Euro for one of my pencils.
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# 68 : Wednesday 18-3-2015 @ 20:08
 
 
Nearly put my foot in it earlier at my nephews birthday party. Was telling my sister how she should've downloaded Minecraft the week before Christmas Day to avoid the network problems.

Ehhhhhh, I hastily shut my mouth before the youngs one copped on.
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# 69 : Thursday 19-3-2015 @ 14:24
 
 
Someone said :
Ah I told her it was a one off. Won't be doing this again as she has access to computers in school and at home.

It was your chance to teach her a lesson. She knew exactly what she was doing
Girls know how to work men, and she knew a female uncle would not have fallen for it.

You really did not have to do it at all: she asked you to print it, not to type it. First lesson: be precise.
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# 70 : Thursday 19-3-2015 @ 16:01
 
 
Seamus sends a text to the wife;

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.
If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this
message again."

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# 71 : Friday 5-6-2015 @ 16:44
 
 
I received m,y new ATM card, and it is "contact less" you can pay without contact. But then I turn the card over and I see there are the bank contact details: so I contacted them to complain that it is not a contactless card.
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# 72 : Friday 5-6-2015 @ 16:46
 
 
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# 73 : Tuesday 7-7-2015 @ 19:33
 
 

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $200,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
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# 74 : Tuesday 7-7-2015 @ 19:36
 
 
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# 75 : Wednesday 2-9-2015 @ 14:03
 
 
Was searching my music collection for an ambient track by Oceansize. Couldn't find it as I was searching for "Music for A Horse" instead of "Music for A Nurse"

The oul braincells are getting mushy


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